Spring means short shorts, sleeping outside while you tan, BEAUTIFUL weather*, easy classes, and of course swimsuits! It is a time to shed all the frumpy clothes and let the cuteness come out to play.
Unfortunately, spring is also a time for awkward first dates as new people join the ward and begin browsing the ward menu. I went on one such date Saturday, with a new guy named Dane. Dane's kind of an older guy, maybe in his mid to late twenties, and reasonably good looking. I don't really buy into the whole 'you should say yes to every guy that asks you on a date because everyone deserves a chance' philosophy. If I'm not interested, why waste our time? So I really had high hopes going into this one...
He picked me up around 7 and right from the beginning I started to have second thoughts. He starts driving me to the Nickelcade. Great! I've never been there before on a date. Even though I totally rock at air hockey, it certainly wasn't winning him points for creativity. He started the classic 'get to know you' date conversation and then he asked me how old I was.
Me: "....Twenty, why?"
Dane: (face falls) "Oh. 18 is really the ideal age to start having babies."
Me: "....." (I'm kind of slowly turning my head as I look at him, giving him my best 'Did you just say that?' look)
Dane: "Don't get me wrong, its not too late! I was just reading about it in biology and that's when the female is at her reproductive prime."
Okay, right here is where I wish we had a 'Lemon Law' for dates. This is another concept I learned from TV and we really need to start doing it. It comes from the lemon law with cars, where if you buy a car and it fails to meet certain standards, you can return it and get a refund if you do so soon enough. The dating lemon law would be similar. Within the first 15 minutes, if you know this date is not going to go anywhere, you just say you're invoking the lemon law and you're out. No hard feelings, no one's night is wasted.
Dane was well within the 15 minutes and I so wish I would've lemon law'd him, because the date did not get any better from there. He was hyper-competitive during air-hockey, hitting the puck so hard it flew off the table and hit a little kid in the shin. And then he didn't even apologize! Then he spent pretty much forever at the little 'throw a basketball into the hoop' game. I think he was showing off, he kept telling me that he used to play basketball a lot in high school. (Yeah, Dane, great. Every Mormon guy did. That's why Churchball is a thing). I sat there looking bored while he threw shot after shot. He made more than half of them, but...I'm pretty sure I could've done that, even with my old, dried-up, past-their-prime ovaries. It didn't look that hard.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, he took me home, walked me to the door of the apartment where I was pretty positive my roommates were peaking through the windows, and did the whole lingering on the doorstep thing. I was sending out all kinds of 'I wouldn't breed with you if the human race depended on our procreation' signals but he wasn't picking them up. Finally he leaned in for the kiss which turned into an awkward half-hug when I twisted out of the way. Then I ducked into the door and disappeared inside, blurting out a 'goodnight Dane' before shutting the door.
When life gives you lemons....invoke the lemon law.
*Disclaimer: If you live in Provo, spring may also means freak snowstorms that put an end to all your happy frolicking. Do not worry, this is only a momentary setback.