We've been there too, Beyonce...

We've been there too, Beyonce...

Friday, May 28, 2010

One Man's Disease is Another Man's Pickup Line

Blind dates.  Why do we keep agreeing to do them?  My brother set me up on one last week with one of his old mission buddies.  I'll call him Richard.

The first thing I did when my brother brought it up was Facebook him.  After all, I love my brother, but I don't trust him enough to do a completely blind date on his say-so.  His profile picture checked out, he was a pretty good looking guy, so I agreed to do it.  (Don't call me shallow, I'm sure he was doing the same thing to MY incredibly cute Facebook picture).

Unfortunately, there's no "Personality: Creeper" status on Facebook that could have forewarned me.. Good looks only get you so far.  I felt like I was on a date with Michael Scott from the Office.  One of the first things he says when he picks me up is “My mom would love to meet you.  She has six children and she loves it when we bring someone home.”  

Then he kept trying to touch me throughout the evening.   It started with trying to take my hand, which I deftly maneuvered away from with the classic, run-fingers-through-hair routine.  Then he wanted to rub my back as we walked, to which I stiffened up and leaned away.  After that attempt failed, ever persistent, he brushed my hair behind my ear, so I lifted my shoulders in an attempt to squash his sweaty little fingers.  All while this was happening, he kept talking about what his wife should be like and how good of a husband he would be.  Why was I still staying do you ask?  It was like a car crash, I just couldn’t make myself get away, I was paralyzed with horror. 

I wasn't paying attention at all during the date, I think we had dinner but mostly I was just wondering how I was going to get out of there.  It was nice out so we were on a walk outside, taking in the fresh air.  I started to steer our walk to a point where I could make a very lady-like run for it, but he then said something that made me pause.  He said, “But my wife would definitely have to be okay with my medical condition.”  I did not know what else to do besides ask, “Well, what’s your medical condition?” 

“Its called Priapism,” he explained, and then proceeded to tell me all about his sufferings with this “disease”.  Now I will refer to the dictionary definition of this word in order for you to understand my horrified/amused/astounded reaction.  Priapism, I kid you not, “is a potentially harmful and painful medical condition in which the erect penis does not return to its flaccid state, despite the absence of both physical and psychological stimulation, within four hours.”  Yes, I laughed.  I laughed long and hard (pun intended).  I think this revelation was intended to impress me, maybe to make me think, “oh, four hour erections, you sexy beast you, take me now!” Yet, my only thought was that I could  not believe that I had gone on this date and talked with this man about his family and penis diseases for over an hour. 

When the date finally ended, the first thing I did was call my brother and tell him not to hook me up with anyone from his mission again.  Then I called Kait and filled her in...seriously this is the sort of stuff where I really wish she was still in Utah so we could laugh about it in person.  What became of Richard, I don't know.  I haven't heard from him since and my brother hasn't brought him up.  I hope he finds a woman out there that can deal with his four hour erections and his constant 'I'm going to be the greatest husband ever' ramblings.  If nothing else, maybe he'll save penis-related conversations for the second date.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Riding in cars with boys

So, I'm home in Oregon for the next few weeks before the Summer semester starts, and before I leave I started talking to a guy that I dated way back when. We went on maybe two dates, but he broke it off and told me I was clingy, etc...because I saw him at church and sat next to him. I also got pissed that he flirted with some other girl, who I later found out was his ex-girlfriend, while I was standing right next to him. Yeah, he was a class act.

Why I answered my phone when he called again, I don't know. But anyway, he seemed different than when I knew him back then, so I told him we could go on another date when I got back from my parents'. I figured maybe he'd call or send a message a couple times before I got back and leave it at that.

Oh no. He's been calling me everyday for the past week. I even told him not to call when he said that he would call me the next day. He keeps calling. And we don't really know each other well enough to talk everyday for extended amounts of time.

He even offered to buy a plane ticket and drive back with me to Provo when I come back. I'm pretty sure he bought it before he even asked, and I just hope it's refundable.

The call that takes the cake was last night, though. Since I had run out of things to say to him, I blurted out that I really wanted a corndog. He wasn't picking up on my hints that I wanted to go look for one and stop talking... From there, he starts talking about ketchup. He said that it was a solid. I pause for a second...

"No, it's not. It's a liquid with little bits of tomato in it."

"No, you're wrong. It's a solid."

"Uh...I can look it up on my phone right now. I guarantee you it's a liquid." I looked it up. It's a liquid with little bits of tomato...just like I said. I didn't gloat or anything I just confirmed that it's liquid.

"Okay, know-it-all."

"Did you really just call me a know-it-all?" He tries to laugh it off like he was just joking, but I could tell his man-pride was injured.  I'm sickened at this point.

"I'm Kait, and I know everything! Hahaha!" Ugh.

He changes the subject to when I come back to Provo and all the stuff he's already planned for us to do. I just got sicker. I explain that I'm signed up for classes, and I'm going to have lots of work to do, and plus, I'm getting ready to apply for an out-of-state internship in the Fall. He starts freaking out. He sounds like he's going to cry.

"You mean you're only going to be in Provo for a couple months?!"

"Yeah, maybe. Nothing is for sure."

He starts grilling me with questions about all the details of me possibly leaving, then he starts demanding that I get an internship in Utah.

My answer: NO

"Uh...just to let you know, you and I are not in a relationship. You don't dictate my life choices to me. As a matter of fact, I don't even know you well enough to be talking to you everyday on the phone. I sure as heck don't know you well enough to ride in car trapped with you all day on a road trip. Oh, PS...it was ME who was clingy?! I don't think so!"

Click, I hung up.

Seriously, WTF?!