Blind dates. Why do we keep agreeing to do them? My brother set me up on one last week with one of his old mission buddies. I'll call him Richard.
The first thing I did when my brother brought it up was Facebook him. After all, I love my brother, but I don't trust him enough to do a completely blind date on his say-so. His profile picture checked out, he was a pretty good looking guy, so I agreed to do it. (Don't call me shallow, I'm sure he was doing the same thing to MY incredibly cute Facebook picture).
Unfortunately, there's no "Personality: Creeper" status on Facebook that could have forewarned me.. Good looks only get you so far. I felt like I was on a date with Michael Scott from the Office. One of the first things he says when he picks me up is “My mom would love to meet you. She has six children and she loves it when we bring someone home.”
Then he kept trying to touch me throughout the evening. It started with trying to take my hand, which I deftly maneuvered away from with the classic, run-fingers-through-hair routine. Then he wanted to rub my back as we walked, to which I stiffened up and leaned away. After that attempt failed, ever persistent, he brushed my hair behind my ear, so I lifted my shoulders in an attempt to squash his sweaty little fingers. All while this was happening, he kept talking about what his wife should be like and how good of a husband he would be. Why was I still staying do you ask? It was like a car crash, I just couldn’t make myself get away, I was paralyzed with horror.
I wasn't paying attention at all during the date, I think we had dinner but mostly I was just wondering how I was going to get out of there. It was nice out so we were on a walk outside, taking in the fresh air. I started to steer our walk to a point where I could make a very lady-like run for it, but he then said something that made me pause. He said, “But my wife would definitely have to be okay with my medical condition.” I did not know what else to do besides ask, “Well, what’s your medical condition?”
“Its called Priapism,” he explained, and then proceeded to tell me all about his sufferings with this “disease”. Now I will refer to the dictionary definition of this word in order for you to understand my horrified/amused/astounded reaction. Priapism, I kid you not, “is a potentially harmful and painful medical condition in which the erect penis does not return to its flaccid state, despite the absence of both physical and psychological stimulation, within four hours.” Yes, I laughed. I laughed long and hard (pun intended). I think this revelation was intended to impress me, maybe to make me think, “oh, four hour erections, you sexy beast you, take me now!” Yet, my only thought was that I could not believe that I had gone on this date and talked with this man about his family and penis diseases for over an hour.
When the date finally ended, the first thing I did was call my brother and tell him not to hook me up with anyone from his mission again. Then I called Kait and filled her in...seriously this is the sort of stuff where I really wish she was still in Utah so we could laugh about it in person. What became of Richard, I don't know. I haven't heard from him since and my brother hasn't brought him up. I hope he finds a woman out there that can deal with his four hour erections and his constant 'I'm going to be the greatest husband ever' ramblings. If nothing else, maybe he'll save penis-related conversations for the second date.
